"Today's Triumphs (from yesterday... Lol) By Kymberly":
It was indeed a very triumphant day for me. Not in the aspect of accomplishing a great workout, or following my clean eating 100%, or finding a miraculous amount of strenth and energy... It was my FAILURE that inadvertantly created a triumphant moment for me.
I did fairly well with my eating yesterday, and I had been reading a new chapter in Jillian Michaels newest book called "Unlimited". It came to a point in the book where I had to start recalling events and circumstances in my life that were painful to me, and contributed to my upbringing, hence creating who I am today. I immeditaely got a headache when I started to recall my past/childhood, and I noticed that I was becomming physically uncomfortable... headache, nausea, tightness in my throat... basically, a mini anxiety attack. I did a little bit of soul searching, but decided to stop because it was making me really aggitated. I decided to make lunch and watch a little TV to get my mind off of things.
Here is when my triumphant moment came: I was watching Dr Phil, and the episode was about 2 sisters who were molested by their stepfather. Knowing that I, too, had been a victim of molestation when I was younger, I decided to watch... I felt bad for the sisters and they seemed to share similar upbringings much in the same way that I had. I was watching the show, getting pissed off that the Mother of these two girls (now grown and older) would not and did not take accountability for her contributions that allowed her ex husband to mollest these girls. It was pissing me off to watch her and listen to her excuses. While watching this and finishing my sandwich, something truimphant happened to me: I recognized for the first time that I was in the middle of stress-eating and binging without even noticing it first... My sandwich was nearly gone, I had eaten a cup of grapes and was feeling full and satisfied, yet when Dr Phill started talking about the actual moments of abuse for those girls, I was taking a bite out of my sandwich wondering what else I could go shove in my mouth. What else can I eat? BEING IN THE MOMENT LIKE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
Sure, I know I am an overeater, I know that I sometimes get bad binge cravings, etc, etc.... But I've never stopped and caught myself right in the middle of WHAT was triggering the attack: BEING UNCOMFORTABLE AND SHOVING FOOD IN MYSELF TO NUMB MY FEELINGS, JUST LIKE A FRIGGING DRUG ADDICT. I ended up allowing myself to go eat the icecream I was thinking about.. It was almost a claustrophobic feeling in my chest, and my walls were closing in on me. I wanted to see what the icecream was going to do to me. I figured if God gave me the gift of waking up in the actual MOMENT of one of these crazy attacks, I might as well finish it out, just to see how that ice cream would "fix" me.....
Thats exactly what it did... it gave me a fix, a "high". I litteraly felt drunk and emotionless after I ate the icecream. Now, ice cream is not one of my binge foods, nor do I ever eat it... I just happened to see that Steve had a small container of Haggen Daaz butter pecan ice cream in the garage refrig, and it instantly came to mind while I was still eating my sandwich from lunch. Needless to say, I layed on the couch, without a worry in the world, watching the rest of that show, and I didnt think about the abuse that happened to me anymore. It was an emotionless next 4 hours... I didnt even eat dinner last night. By the time my ice cream buzz wore off, it was nearly 8pm, so I just went to bed. That triumphant event helped me in so many ways, I can now see, hear, taste, smell, feel my trigger.... ITS PAIN, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, GUILT, HELPLESSNESS, LONELINESS. I am so happy that happened to me yesterday. That was one cheat day that I do NOT want to put behind me! ♥
It was indeed a very triumphant day for me. Not in the aspect of accomplishing a great workout, or following my clean eating 100%, or finding a miraculous amount of strenth and energy... It was my FAILURE that inadvertantly created a triumphant moment for me.
I did fairly well with my eating yesterday, and I had been reading a new chapter in Jillian Michaels newest book called "Unlimited". It came to a point in the book where I had to start recalling events and circumstances in my life that were painful to me, and contributed to my upbringing, hence creating who I am today. I immeditaely got a headache when I started to recall my past/childhood, and I noticed that I was becomming physically uncomfortable... headache, nausea, tightness in my throat... basically, a mini anxiety attack. I did a little bit of soul searching, but decided to stop because it was making me really aggitated. I decided to make lunch and watch a little TV to get my mind off of things.
Here is when my triumphant moment came: I was watching Dr Phil, and the episode was about 2 sisters who were molested by their stepfather. Knowing that I, too, had been a victim of molestation when I was younger, I decided to watch... I felt bad for the sisters and they seemed to share similar upbringings much in the same way that I had. I was watching the show, getting pissed off that the Mother of these two girls (now grown and older) would not and did not take accountability for her contributions that allowed her ex husband to mollest these girls. It was pissing me off to watch her and listen to her excuses. While watching this and finishing my sandwich, something truimphant happened to me: I recognized for the first time that I was in the middle of stress-eating and binging without even noticing it first... My sandwich was nearly gone, I had eaten a cup of grapes and was feeling full and satisfied, yet when Dr Phill started talking about the actual moments of abuse for those girls, I was taking a bite out of my sandwich wondering what else I could go shove in my mouth. What else can I eat? BEING IN THE MOMENT LIKE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
Sure, I know I am an overeater, I know that I sometimes get bad binge cravings, etc, etc.... But I've never stopped and caught myself right in the middle of WHAT was triggering the attack: BEING UNCOMFORTABLE AND SHOVING FOOD IN MYSELF TO NUMB MY FEELINGS, JUST LIKE A FRIGGING DRUG ADDICT. I ended up allowing myself to go eat the icecream I was thinking about.. It was almost a claustrophobic feeling in my chest, and my walls were closing in on me. I wanted to see what the icecream was going to do to me. I figured if God gave me the gift of waking up in the actual MOMENT of one of these crazy attacks, I might as well finish it out, just to see how that ice cream would "fix" me.....
Thats exactly what it did... it gave me a fix, a "high". I litteraly felt drunk and emotionless after I ate the icecream. Now, ice cream is not one of my binge foods, nor do I ever eat it... I just happened to see that Steve had a small container of Haggen Daaz butter pecan ice cream in the garage refrig, and it instantly came to mind while I was still eating my sandwich from lunch. Needless to say, I layed on the couch, without a worry in the world, watching the rest of that show, and I didnt think about the abuse that happened to me anymore. It was an emotionless next 4 hours... I didnt even eat dinner last night. By the time my ice cream buzz wore off, it was nearly 8pm, so I just went to bed. That triumphant event helped me in so many ways, I can now see, hear, taste, smell, feel my trigger.... ITS PAIN, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, GUILT, HELPLESSNESS, LONELINESS. I am so happy that happened to me yesterday. That was one cheat day that I do NOT want to put behind me! ♥
Wow is right... I didnt know how to make this post short.... there was so much to acknowledge... It was deffinately a breakthrough I needed, and never had. It was one that I did not "try" to make myself have, like I have so often tried to ...do in the past. I never understood what it meant to be ADDICTED to food, or that old cliche "numbing your feelings and pain with food"..... Of course, being in Overeaters Anonymous, I recognize the feelings of a binge craving when its comming on... but I could not identify the "WHY" of the need to stuff with food until that moment yesterday. Honestly, it shook me up! Do you know how crazy it is to have judged people all of my life for being alcoholics and drug addicts, only to realize that I AM A FOOD ADDICT??? Like, SERIOUSLY.... A "WHOAAAAAA" MOMENT! I feel so... so.... so.... AWARE today. In a calm way. Hard to explain. Just wanted to share with all of you, since you are my only support.... I wouldnt want to share with anybody else!!! Oh, except maybe my OA sponsor! Here I am in a program for the addiction to Overeating, and not even really getting the fact that I am A REAL ADDICT!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! That is sooooo 'ME'.... =)
So, this is all a part of my Overeater's Anonymous process. I started reading Jillian Michael's book because it was recommended to me by a fellow OA member. I had been trying to figure out how to take the next step in my OA recovery, which just so happened to deal with acknowledging your hurts, confronting people who hurt me, and forgiving them. That's a hard one to deal with when youre talking about forgiving someone who hurt you so bad. It'll be a while before I get through this step. I have alot of work to do. Just wanted to share with everyone, whoever you all are.... if i even have any followers. Lol ;)
So, this is all a part of my Overeater's Anonymous process. I started reading Jillian Michael's book because it was recommended to me by a fellow OA member. I had been trying to figure out how to take the next step in my OA recovery, which just so happened to deal with acknowledging your hurts, confronting people who hurt me, and forgiving them. That's a hard one to deal with when youre talking about forgiving someone who hurt you so bad. It'll be a while before I get through this step. I have alot of work to do. Just wanted to share with everyone, whoever you all are.... if i even have any followers. Lol ;)
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