Clean friends, Clean surroundings, clean success!

Friday, June 24th, 2011
Written for all of my friends on The Kitchen Table at The Eat Clean Diet Page.com:

   A lesson I have learned recently is that not only must I eat clean to properly nourish my body and attain the weightloss and health goals I have set in stone for myself, but I MUST keep my friendships and surroundings "clean", as well.  Through out my internet journey regarding weightloss and health, I have made alot of really great friends.  What I have also encountered are people who claim they are working toward their goals, as well as giving me a ton of advice about my weightloss goals, successes, and failures. 

     I shared a great deal of personal information with with some of those people, and they returned their gratitude by sharing stories of their own with me.  I have made alot of wonderful friends and connections with people who have the same issues, both in failures and success, as I do.  That is what creates the bond between those of us who suffer from eating disorders, or what ever issue we are currently dealing with in our lives.

     So imagine my dissappointment to find that one of the people to whom I had grown very close to and became very fond of in a "sister-ly" type of way over a two year period, suddenly pulled away from me and a few other close weightloss freinds, announcing that her husband did not want her talking to people who she did not know personally.  Okay, fine, I can totally understand that.  It's an internet friendship, one that I had grown very fond of, and looked forward to on a daily basis.  I shared my life with this girl, and she had shared hers with myself as well as a group of our mutual "internet" friends.  We relied on each other for daily support, wisdom, concern, care, and love. Yes, love.  Sisterly love.  That is the type of friendship we had formed.  2 years is a long time to communicate with someone on the internet.

     So, imagine my DISSAPPOINTMENT when I found her on this web site,  sharing her life story with thousands of people that she does not know personally.  Imagine my surprise and dissappointment  to find out that although she was giving weightloss and exercise advice to us, she really was not doing the exercise work herself  that she was saying she was doing.  She gave us all advice. She told us how successful she was.  She stated every week almost that she was losing weight, and sometimes in large numbers.  Then I read on this website that she has completely changed her profile statement.

     Why would I post this on Tosca's page, you all are asking?  BECAUSE THE FRIENDSHIP THAT WE ESTABLISHED WITH THIS WOMAN WAS BASED ON FRAUD.  We were deceived by someone who was not really doing the work, and we were dumped by that person with the lie that her husband would not allow her to have internet friends if she did not know them personally.

     My point with this post is mainly for this reason:  BE CAREFULL WHO YOU CHOOSE AND SHARE PERSONAL INFORMATION WITH.  Be careful who you take advice from.  Be careful what advice we give other people.  I plan on sticking to Tosca's Eat Clean program and the Kitchen Table for now on without taking advice to heart or too seriously, or sharing too much with others.  I will continue to be supportive of everyone on here, and all of the friends I have made.  I will not allow one bad egg to ruin all of my internet friendships, but I just wanted to let you all know that we could all stand to be a little more aware of who we are sharing our personal information with.

     I was really hurt by the person who did that to my friends and I, because I had established such a close relationship with her.  Just be careful and keep a watchful eye of phony and fake people.  I need to remember that ulitmately, it is my responsibility to keep myself happy and stay on track and focused, and to praise and reward myself.  I guess I became too dependant on that other person's views, opinions, and advice.  And for that, I am upset with myself.

     Well, moving forward, I do appreciate all of you here at the Kitchen Table.  This forum has helped me out so much, and has also allowed me to share about myself, which is an important thing for all of us to be able to do.  I thank Tosca a million times over for making this happend for all of us.  Thank you, Tosca.  You are fabulous.  I want to be just like you when I grow up! =)

Kaptain Kymberly <3

A Cooler For Disneyland!

Thursday, June 16th, 2011

10:40am

 

Dear Fellow Blog Followers (Lol!),

 

My wonderful husband recently bought me an annual pass for Disneyland.  I reside in southern California, and I love to take my granddaughter there, or even just visit by myself for the afternoon when I have time off.  I haven't been to Disneyland in a while, and although I was very excited about my new annual pass, I have been hesitant to start planning my next trip there. Why?  Because I know I will be surounded by tempting and delicious junk food all day.  This is a serious issue for me!  Once I get a taste of all of the wonderful foods from Disneyland, I know I am history with my clean eating.  The frozen banana cart will be staring me in the face while I am standing in the line for the Haunted Mansion.  The popcorn (for those of you who don't know this, Disneyland has the BEST popcorn in the world! I'm a sucker for it every time!) and Coke cart will be "following" me from the Haunted Mansion all the way over to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Then, in New Orleans Square, all of the delicious Cajun food and fried pastries will be calling my name.  And let's not forget the burgers, fries, hot dogs, and candy stores all along Main Street, Disneyland.  (deep sigh.............)  I have been over-whelmed with these thoughts. 

I went to go see a movie last night, and after the movie, I decided to go into Walmart.  It was so crouded, I turned left after walking through the garden center, because I could not get down the main isle.  I turned a corner to make an escape route down the "summer" isle, and what was sitting in the middle of the floor?  A compact Coleman Cooler on wheels with a long handle that clicks down.  All of a sudden I realized how PERFECT that cooler would be to take to Disneyland with me!!!  Why hadn't I thought of that before?  What a simple solution to such a big stressor for me.  I know how to eat clean and pack a cooler.  But I allowed myself to have a limited thought process because I am planning a trip to a major theme park.

I called Disneyland (this was no easy task in itself) and retrieved the measurements for their biggest locker.  My cooler will fit, and for one fee, I can access the locker all day long, as many times as I want to.  My cooler is the best, it is so cute, holds a ton of stuff, and even fits right on the floor of the passenger seat in my car.  It's a Coleman, and it's insulated, so I know the ice won't melt quickly like most of the softer coolers with hard plastic pull-outs. 

Even a vacation to a major theme park is clean eating do-able.  I am allowing myself to have ONE treat at Disneyland. Just one.  I'm not sure what it will be yet, but once I see it, I'll know!!!  I am no longer having anxiety over this trip, and am excited to pack my cooler and have access to it whenever I need it.  I feel so much better now.  I can thoroughly enjoy my vacation, Disneyland and all!

Triumph over binging reasons unknown....

"Today's Triumphs (from yesterday... Lol) By Kymberly":

It was indeed a very triumphant day for me. Not in the aspect of accomplishing a great workout, or following my clean eating 100%, or finding a miraculous amount of strenth and energy... It was my FAILURE that inadvertantly created a triumphant moment for me.

I did fairly well with my eating yesterday, and I had been reading a new chapter in Jillian Michaels newest book called "Unlimited". It came to a point in the book where I had to start recalling events and circumstances in my life that were painful to me, and contributed to my upbringing, hence creating who I am today. I immeditaely got a headache when I started to recall my past/childhood, and I noticed that I was becomming physically uncomfortable... headache, nausea, tightness in my throat... basically, a mini anxiety attack. I did a little bit of soul searching, but decided to stop because it was making me really aggitated. I decided to make lunch and watch a little TV to get my mind off of things.

Here is when my triumphant moment came: I was watching Dr Phil, and the episode was about 2 sisters who were molested by their stepfather. Knowing that I, too, had been a victim of molestation when I was younger, I decided to watch... I felt bad for the sisters and they seemed to share similar upbringings much in the same way that I had. I was watching the show, getting pissed off that the Mother of these two girls (now grown and older) would not and did not take accountability for her contributions that allowed her ex husband to mollest these girls. It was pissing me off to watch her and listen to her excuses. While watching this and finishing my sandwich, something truimphant happened to me: I recognized for the first time that I was in the middle of stress-eating and binging without even noticing it first... My sandwich was nearly gone, I had eaten a cup of grapes and was feeling full and satisfied, yet when Dr Phill started talking about the actual moments of abuse for those girls, I was taking a bite out of my sandwich wondering what else I could go shove in my mouth. What else can I eat? BEING IN THE MOMENT LIKE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

Sure, I know I am an overeater, I know that I sometimes get bad binge cravings, etc, etc.... But I've never stopped and caught myself right in the middle of WHAT was triggering the attack: BEING UNCOMFORTABLE AND SHOVING FOOD IN MYSELF TO NUMB MY FEELINGS, JUST LIKE A FRIGGING DRUG ADDICT. I ended up allowing myself to go eat the icecream I was thinking about.. It was almost a claustrophobic feeling in my chest, and my walls were closing in on me. I wanted to see what the icecream was going to do to me. I figured if God gave me the gift of waking up in the actual MOMENT of one of these crazy attacks, I might as well finish it out, just to see how that ice cream would "fix" me.....

Thats exactly what it did... it gave me a fix, a "high". I litteraly felt drunk and emotionless after I ate the icecream. Now, ice cream is not one of my binge foods, nor do I ever eat it... I just happened to see that Steve had a small container of Haggen Daaz butter pecan ice cream in the garage refrig, and it instantly came to mind while I was still eating my sandwich from lunch. Needless to say, I layed on the couch, without a worry in the world, watching the rest of that show, and I didnt think about the abuse that happened to me anymore. It was an emotionless next 4 hours... I didnt even eat dinner last night. By the time my ice cream buzz wore off, it was nearly 8pm, so I just went to bed. That triumphant event helped me in so many ways, I can now see, hear, taste, smell, feel my trigger.... ITS PAIN, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, GUILT, HELPLESSNESS, LONELINESS. I am so happy that happened to me yesterday. That was one cheat day that I do NOT want to put behind me! ♥

Wow is right... I didnt know how to make this post short.... there was so much to acknowledge... It was deffinately a breakthrough I needed, and never had. It was one that I did not "try" to make myself have, like I have so often tried to ...do in the past. I never understood what it meant to be ADDICTED to food, or that old cliche "numbing your feelings and pain with food"..... Of course, being in Overeaters Anonymous, I recognize the feelings of a binge craving when its comming on... but I could not identify the "WHY" of the need to stuff with food until that moment yesterday. Honestly, it shook me up! Do you know how crazy it is to have judged people all of my life for being alcoholics and drug addicts, only to realize that I AM A FOOD ADDICT??? Like, SERIOUSLY.... A "WHOAAAAAA" MOMENT! I feel so... so.... so.... AWARE today. In a calm way. Hard to explain. Just wanted to share with all of you, since you are my only support.... I wouldnt want to share with anybody else!!! Oh, except maybe my OA sponsor! Here I am in a program for the addiction to Overeating, and not even really getting the fact that I am A REAL ADDICT!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! That is sooooo 'ME'.... =)

So, this is all a part of my Overeater's Anonymous process. I started reading Jillian Michael's book because it was recommended to me by a fellow OA member.  I had been trying to figure out how to take the next step in my OA recovery, which just so happened to deal with acknowledging your hurts, confronting people who hurt me, and forgiving them. That's a hard one to deal with when youre talking about forgiving someone who hurt you so bad. It'll be a while before I get through this step. I have alot of work to do.  Just wanted to share with everyone, whoever you all are.... if i even have any followers. Lol ;)

Easter Weekend

Hello, everyone.

It's allergy season. Yayyy.  Headaches, sinus infections, and migraines... Oh my!  Yes, these are the ailments I have to look forward to each Spring/Summer season.  It keeps me down for the most part, and I don't seem to get much done.

On the up-side, things are going pretty good.  I have started a new Facebook page for my Recipe Transformations.  I have weekly "Events" where my friends can submit fattening recipes, and in-turn, I pick one to transform into something healthy for all of us to enjoy.  It has been a long process getting the page started; the last time my computer was backed-up, all of my pictures/recipes were transfered to either CD's or memory sticks.  But somehow, they weren't saved together.  It has taken me a few weeks to sort through everything, and upload all of my recipes and pictures back onto my computer.  I am still missing alot of recipes and pictures, but I have no doubt that they will all be found in time.

I am working with what I have, and working on it day to day.  Some days, as you can imagine, I am not able to even get out of bed, due to allergies/headaches.  But on the days where I am feeling half-way decent, I am on facebook, trying to piece all of my recipes and pictures together.

 I am currently writting a cook book with all of my recipes, but it's great to be able to have an outlet (Facebook) to share all of my creations with my friends.  I love to cook, I love to write, and I love to re-invent/transform food into something cleaner and healthier.  It's my passion.  I might as well do something useful and creative with it!

Since it is Easter weekend, I am trying to plan out what we will cook for dinner tomorrow.  It will just be my husband and I this year, as all of our children/grandchildren have other plans.  We rotate year to year, so we can all spend the holidays together. This is our "alone" year. Lol. We won't be alone, however; we have our wonderful Lord and Savior with us in spirit, and we have all of our beautiful puppies to celebrate with us.  And, mark my word, they will all be smelling and waiting for Easter dinner.

Happy Clean Eating, everyone!
~Kymberly

Egg-stra special eggs: Eggs are NOT boring!!!

(For the Kitchen Table at Tosca Reno's Eat Cleat Diet WEb site):

Eggs?  Boring?  I think not!

I read this so frequently from members/readers/viewers re: eggs and their "boring-ness" while attempting to add the right amount of protein to their diets.  I have come up with a solution to the Boring Egg syndrome:  ETHNICITY!

Yes, that's right, ethnicity!  Culture!  Worldly regions!  International spicing-up!  Come on, KT... let's show our mambers/viewers just how
un-boring eggs can be!  I am asking everyone to go to my recipe titled http://www.eatcleandiet.com/the_kitchen_table/recipe/recipe.aspx?id=1288  (Kaptains Krazy Eggs) and to make them JUST ONCE... then, I am asking you to make your own Krazy Eggs by trying your favorite spices, seasonings, and herbs.  Come on people, spice them up!!!  Any nationality, any flavor combo.... LET'S DO THIS, PEOPLE!!!!! 

Whatever egg recipe you create, please give YOURSELF the credit due for that particular recipe... (In other words, put a copyright symbol at the end of your recipe, or just type in "recipe copyrighted and created by______ on________ )

Thanks KT and EC!!!!!  Let's get busy!!!!!

Have an egg-stra special Tuesday, everyone!  Happy Clean Egg Eating!!!!  =)

~Kymberly

Rough days ahead...

Hello everyone,

It's that time of year again for me.  9 years ago today was the last day I would ever get to spend with my precious daughter, Breanna Ray.  Tomorrow will mark the 9th year anniversary that she passed away.  I've been in a funk for the past week or two, which is quite normal for me at this time of the year.  No matter what people say to try and comfort us, the pain never dulls or goes away.  It doesn't get easier, and I don't think about her any less.  This is where my binge eating can really damage me, if I allow it.

I am trying to stay strong and eat as clean as I can.  Last night I had the urge to binge on cookies in bed, but I drank some water and ordered a movie on Pay-Per-View instead.  One mistake, and I will be right back at the donut store.... litteraly.  I have been moody, grouchy, hard-hearted, and arguementive lately.  I know why I am lashing out at everyone, and don't know how to change it.  They don't deserve to be verbally abused by me, no matter what my reasons or excuses are.  I am just not quite sure how to stop this madness every year on this sad anniversary.  It's like I go into a "mourning" phase all over again, every year, at the same time.  I am not even aware I am doing it.  A few days ago, my wonderful husband asked me, "Is the anniversary of Breanna's passing starting to bother you? Have you been thinking about it alot?"   I hadn't even consciously realized that I was starting to become depressed about it again, until he pointed it out.

My poor family.... they have to go through this cycle every year with me.  I don't know how to stop it.  I've gotten counseling and outside help many times over the past 9 years.  I don't think anyone or any amount of counseling can take the pain away from a Mother who has lost a child.  My only relief is knowing that my beautiful daughter is in Gods arms, and never has to suffer again.  There is no Cerebral Palsey in Heaven, right???

I will try to stay strong over the next few days.  I will consciously be aware of my feelings, emotions, and food cravings... because I know they are about to come on strong.  I know I can turn to you girls here at KT if I am in need of encouragement and help.  Thank you for that.  You are my Sisters, and I couldn't go through this without you all.

Have a blessed weekend,

~Kymberly

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Happy St Patrick's Day, Ladies!

There will be clean Corned Beef & Cabbage at my house tonight!  The green beer will be flowing, but I won't be drinking!  May you find your pot of gold under the rainbow, and not under the name "Hershey's"..... Lol......